A Suitable Helpmeet

Did you cringe when you saw that title?  Or were you nodding in agreement and anxious to read this post?

This is a very common phrase in many circles today.  It is misused often to “put women in their place”… especially by the men who want them there.  It is taught from pulpits that this is what Paul is saying.  The purpose of this post is not to debate what Paul teaches on the subject, but rather, to see what is found in the Hebrew Scriptures.  It is my firm belief that anything taught by Paul or any other writer of the “New Testament” must be found in the Hebrew Scriptures first… otherwise there is a new religion being proclaimed.

If we go to the very beginning in the book of Genesis, we can see where the modern terminology of help-meet has come from.  It is found in Genesis 2:18… and it says “YHWH said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'”   So the two words in Hebrew, ezer kenegdo, have been translated as “suitable helper”.  Let’s see if this is the best interpretation.

The Hebrew word Ezer means – help or aid.  Most of the references to this word in Scripture are referring to YHWH coming to someone’s aid.  According to todays world, would we call Him a helper?  It almost has a belittling tone when we think of it that way, doesn’t it?  This is more like what we would say to a toddler that was helping put away dishes.  They are a “good helper.”  Someone coming to our aid like Yah did would be more like a warrior, defender, advocate, protector, hero/heroine, vindicator, shield and defense! Is that what comes to mind when you hear the word “helpmeet”?  Me either.

And what about the other word: “kenegdo“?  While it can be translated as suitable, the deeper meaning is that she will be the man’s match — literally, “as in front of him”. Victor Hamilton says  – “[Kenegdo] suggests that what (G-d) creates for Adam will correspond to him. Thus the new creation will be neither a superior nor an inferior, but an equal. The creation of this helper will form one-half of a polarity and will be to man as the South Pole is to the North Pole” (emphasis added).

"She will be his strongest ally in pursuing Yah's purposes and his first roadblock when he veers off course."
(from a blog post by Carolyn Custis James)

Now I ask you, after reading the definition of these words, do you think “helpmeet” is the best definition?  Does it leave you feeling that a woman is to be a defender, warrior, advocate, protector, heroine, vindicator or shield and defense to her husband?

How would this look in a marriage?

Would a woman who is a defender and advocate for her husband belittle him to others?  I think not.

Would she allow him to physically or emotionally abuse her or her family?  Absolutely not.

Would she allow someone/something else to come in and destroy the marriage and/or her husband?  Not if it was in her power to stop it.

Are you getting the picture?

This woman is strong, bold and courageous.  She knows who she is.  She knows her husband and what he needs.  She knows where his weakness lies and she comes to his aide in those areas.  She does not misuse this knowledge.  She does not order him around or manipulate him.  She values him and he values her.  She brings something to him that he is missing… a different perspective.  Intuition.  Femininity… and he values it.

One beautiful picture of this that I saw recently was at a wedding this summer.  The bride walked around the groom seven times.  Once I learned the reason, I realized how beautiful it was. This is a Jewish wedding tradition and here is the reason from Chabad .org

The bride, by circling the groom, expresses her awesome power over him.

The seven circuits are reminiscent of the biblical story of Joshua leading the Israelites into the Promised Land. They came to Jericho, a city known as the key to the land – if they could conquer it, the land would be theirs. But Jericho was protected by a big wall. There seemed to be no way in.

G‑d commanded the Israelites to walk around the walls seven times. As soon as they did, a miracle happened – the walls came tumbling down and they were able to conquer the city.

Similarly, every man has a wall built around his heart. Men are taught to hide their feelings, to create an impression of impenetrability, to make it seem that they have it all figured out. Men create elaborate defenses to hide any sign of weakness or vulnerability, and fiercely guard their deepest secret – that inside they are sensitive and meek, simple and soft.

But a wise woman can pierce this defensive wall. If she surrounds her husband with the protective aura of her love, if she envelops him with affection, and if she makes him feel that he is the anchor, the center, the focal point of her life, then he can feel safe and comfortable. When that happens, the walls protecting his heart come tumbling down. Then she has conquered him – all of him.

Once you find a good man, encircle him with your love, and he’ll be all yours.

THIS is a warrior wife.  The valiant woman described in Proverbs 31.  She is focused on her husband and he on her.

Here’s what I am not saying:  I am not saying that a woman is greater than a man.  I am not saying a woman can or should do everything a man does.  Men and women are different.  Both physically and emotionally.  Period.  We have different chromosomes.  Science cannot change that.  Belief cannot change that.  We think differently.  Both men and women should be appreciated for who and what they are and what they bring to a marriage.  Not belittled.  Not crushed.  Not lorded over.  And all of this is assuming that each partner in a marriage needs to be equally thoughtful, loving, kind, respectful and cherishing the other person.  It is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

What is one thing you can do this week to put this into practice in your marriage?  How can you become the ezer kenegdo’s that you are intended to be: defending your husband, being his advocate, building him up to be the man he is intended to be?  We would love to hear what you do and your husband’s response!


A Mighty Warrior

Here are a couple of teachings from Proverbs 31 and other key verses regarding the true meaning of the Hebrew words and what a real HELPMEET and “Keeper at Home” is.  Much to consider here!  There is also a teaching for men by Frank Seekins called “Rebel, Wimp and Warrior”, but since this blog is geared for women, I will not be including it here =)

Biblical Role of Women Part One


Part Two


What is a Suitable Helpmeet?

Having been only a helpmeet of one man, I can’t answer this question for everyone specifically, but here are some of my thoughts.

I don’t believe it is the same for every marriage – it depends on your man. While one man might be a farmer, he may need his wife to help him out in the fields, have hearty meals ready for him when he comes in and take care of the children. Another man might have his own business where he works at an office in the home or somewhere else. He might need his wife to do his bookkeeping or do some secretarial services for him. A third man might be teacher and need his wife to grade papers for him. Some men work for someone else and just need their wives to keep the home looking homey and make tasty food. Yet another may be in-between jobs and need his wife to help with the income on a temporary basis.

Each man will have different needs. How are you going to know how you can be the best helper to your man? Ask him! =)

Here are a couple of things you might ask…

Honey, when you get home every day, what three things would be the most important to you for me to have done?

  1. dinner in the oven
  2. the house spic and span
  3. Me wearing makeup and with my hair fixed extra special
  4. 20 minutes of time to unwind and recharge before the children come talk to me
  5. Just bring me my slippers and a newspaper and I’ll be fine


Think of more ideas. You know your man. =)

So this is a start. I welcome your feedback. New ideas? Share how you are a helpmeet to your man! =)

Torah Portion notes from First Fruits of Zion

Chayei Sarah – חיי שרה : “Life of Sarah”
Torah : Genesis 23:1-25:18
Haftarah : I Kings 1:1-31
Gospel : Matthew 2:1-23

Thought for the Week:

Genesis 24:67 says that Isaac took Rebekah, she became his wife and he loved her. Notice the order. This seems backward to us. We would expect the opposite. In our culture, we believe that a person should marry whoever he or she falls in love with. Falling in love is a terrible criteria upon which to base a marriage. What should marriage be based upon?


Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. (Genesis 24:67)

Isaac took his bride into his mother’s tent. All this time Sarah’s tent had been empty and forlorn, symbolizing the absence of the eishet chayil (virtuous wife). The Torah portion began the story of Rebekah by telling us of the death of Sarah. Since his mother’s death, Isaac had been in mourning. He keenly felt her absence. Isaac taking his bride into Sarah’s tent symbolizes Rebekah stepping into Sarah’s role as matriarch over the house of Abraham. In the language of the rabbis, Rebekah became the house of Isaac.

Abraham loved Sarah, and Isaac loved Rebekah. Genesis 24:67 says that Isaac took Rebekah, she became his wife and he loved her. Notice the order. This seems backward to us. We would expect the opposite. He should have fallen in love with her, married her and then taken her into the tent. The Bible has a more sober (but no less romantic) view of marriage. Isaac did not marry Rebekah because he loved her; he loved Rebekah because he married her. Considering the folly of the human heart and the fickle ups and downs of emotions, this is the proper order of things. We should love our spouses because they are our spouses.

In our culture, we believe that a person should marry whoever he or she falls in love with. This is a bad plan. It is possible to fall in love with the wrong person. It is possible to fall in love with many wrong persons. Falling in love is a terrible criteria upon which to base a marriage. It would have been easy for Isaac to fall in love with any number of Canaanite girls.

As children of Abraham and followers of Messiah, we men are to love our wives. Paul tells men to love their wives as themselves–and more than that, to love them as Messiah loved the assembly. He warns husbands not to become embittered against their wives. It’s not a matter of the whims and inclinations of the heart; it is a duty of every husband to love his wife.

If a man or woman bases his or her marriage merely on love, it is doomed from the start. Feelings are unpredictable. They rise and fall. They come and go. Marriage must not be based upon love. Love must be based upon marriage.